I need some prayers right now. I am very confused and conflicted and I'm not sure which way to turn. Which is why I'm seeking God's assistance and that His wisdom will guide me in the right direction.
Allright. Ken brought home a job description over the weekend. It was for a job at the place he works. And the job duties are very similar to what I did at Van Waters (that's where I worked before I opted to quit and start doing day care). That is, I'd be responsible for a whole mess of different things, that would have daily, or weekly, or monthly deadlines. There's no reason why I wouldn't be qualified for this either. Not that I in any way see myself as a shoe in...not even close. I gave up that cocky attitude a long time ago. But I do see myself as a worthy candidate for this. Oh, and the pay's pretty decent too. Plus, I gotta say getting out into the workforce again and actually interacting with people daily does sound darn appealing.
Here's where I'm having trouble. There are SO many reasons why I really desire to work at home. I have an epileptic dog. Leaving him home for such a long time every day scares the crap out of me. And, the whole reason I decided to do day care in the first place was so that I could be home and raise Angel. If I go back to work outside the house full time, I'm right back where I started. And if Ken and I have another baby, that was the ultimate beautiful thing about day care. I'd be here, and could more than likely breast feed for more than a handful of weeks like I did with Angel.
We discussed it this morning and I told Ken I want this job. But I want to be at home. I want to work *here*. There's no way I can have both...these are mutually exclusive things. I am so torn over this I can't even begin to explain it. I have shed more tears over this, it's just crazy. My head is telling me that getting this job is the best thing for us right now but I fear I'll be both really happy at having a steady paycheck again, yet really depressed about not being at home. Ken's bringing an application home for me to fill out today. I think attempting to get this job is the right thing. Yes, I feel I want to be a responsible parent and oversee any and all things in my daughter's life. Yet, a truly responsible parent is going to maintain not only their children's lives, but the stability of their children's lives too. So in all honesty the most responsible thing to do is pursue this. Financially, we are really struggling. Now, Walker *is* dog friendly, but the person who last held this job brought her dog in every day, and folks had issues with it. So I wouldn't want to push it. Still, if a worst case scenario presented itself and I needed to bring him with me, I think at least I could approach the subject. I pray I'm doing the right thing.